1) I’m sick to death of having it called a piece of junk.

2) Someone has threatened to shoot me whilst I’m driving and I need to take some action so I don’t get shot and am able to make a quick getaway. I don’t want to call the police as they will think I’m “wasting police time” and someone could be getting raped or murdered whilst I’m yakking away on the phone to the old bill.

And greg you twat, camshafts are the bees fucking knees. thats all you need for a bit of extra gallop with those extra ponies under your hood.

and to the rest of you ‘how do i make my car faster’ warriors, give your car a good bloody hidin, they always get up and go when u fuck their tailpipe. let me suggest this, your old cars slurp shit

For mods to do that won’t increase noise levels… Honestly an intake system will do a lot for you for the cost. The higher air flow through a cotton filter as opposed to a paper filter is amazing.
A “performance chip” will do something for you as long as you’re getting a chip that must be soldered to your ECU. If you get a chip that is to be installed on your IAT sensor, I would recommend that you do not use it. It is basically a cheap resistor that you wire into the sensor, causing the ECU to read lower air temperatures, and adding fuel. Running slightly richer will add some power, at the cost of increased deposits to your combustion chamber. Which, over time, would actually raise your compression ratio, assuming your piston rings survive.

Nitrous oxide is a great power-adder, if used correctly. Using jets that are well matched with your engine’s setup will provide reliable power at the push of a button. Your car will also not be louder driving daily. When showing off/drag racing/whatever you choose to do, your engine will make a slightly different tone, and it should be a little louder, but not much.

If you’re considering boost (turbo/supercharger/nitrous) you may want to also consider some other upgrades. Among the most common: ARP head studs. ARP makes forged head studs to replace your stock head bolts. They can handle much more pressure in the combustion chamber without stretching. The stock head bolts can stretch, eventually causing your head gasket to blow. ARP makes other fasteners for engine internals as well, such as rod bolts.
In high boost applications, you may want to upgrade to forged pistons (and possibly lower compression pistons*), forged rods, forged crankshaft, re-sleeved cylinders, and a blockguard.

Compression ratio can be increased in a fairly inexpensive way by shaving small amounts from the surface of the cylinder head that meets with the block. This will lower the volume of the combustion chamber and increase the compression ratio. At a point increasing compression, you will need to tune the ECU through either a piggyback system or replace the ECU with a standalone unit, assuming you’re dealing with an engine controlled by a computer.

For boost, there are 3 setups with compression and boost levels to get the same power levels.
Low compression/High boost- This is the easiest path to take tuning-wise. While it will be fairly simple to tune this setup, you will have very low low-end torque, and would rely on boost for just about all of your power.
Medium compression/Medium boost- This is the approach most people take, because generally people don’t want to pull apart an engine when adding a turbocharger. It would offer decent low-end torque, about the same as stock, and decent top-end torque when in boost.
High compression/Low boost- This is the most difficult setup to tune. There are plenty of cars that come from the factory with high compression ratios. Usually these will require 93 octane fuel, and you should know if you have no turbo or supercharger already installed. These engines have good low-end torque, and don’t require much boost to be very powerful.

Some fun facts that I don’t feel like organizing into paragraphs because I feel like I’ve been typing forever:
A shorter final drive will cause you to accelerate quicker, however your top speed will fall, resulting in lower fuel economy at highway speeds.
On some cars, you can simply swap your transmission out for another one from a similar engine, to take advantage of different gear sets, or if your differential is inside the transmission, a different final drive altogether.
Weight is a HUGE factor in speed. If you want to pick up some acceleration quick, think about removing your passenger seat, rear seats, trim in the back of your car, trim in your trunk, your spare tire and tools associated… If you really want to lighten your car up and aren’t worried about putting it back together anytime soon, you can remove just about everything that isn’t metal from the interior. Center console, Door panels, the dash with all electronics besides the instrument cluster.
If you don’t mind paying for weight reduction, you can get carbon fiber parts to replace body parts. This is a great way to drop weight. Carbon fiber hoods are the most common, but trunk lids are usually available, and you may even be able to find doors and fenders custom made if you really want to pay.
Manual transmissions also have a large advantage over automatic transmissions. Automatic transmissions eat torque, shift slowly (generally), and you don’t have as much control over the car. If you have a car with an automatic transmission, you may want to replace it with a manual transmission or trade it for a model with a manual transmission. Manual transmissions have generally always had one extra gear over automatics of the same model year, allowing for shorter gear ratios and better gas mileage.

I definitely did not cover everything that I wanted, but this is what I have off the top of my head. Sorry if it isn’t complete to you.